to children, or not to children

I don't have children. I only ever desired them for a short few months, some time after moving to the UK. It was a sudden and surprising desire, but I assumed it was the proverbial "biological clock ticking" though it was not loud enough to change my lifestyle. Soon after, I read somewhere (I have lost the source, I'm sorry. I'll attach a link to a related study here) that there is a suspected link between loneliness and wanting children. Children are perceived as gifts, as constant company, and knowing we have a being fully dependent on us makes us feel worthy. This makes perfect sense to me, and it explains why the craving was so short-lived as well as easily set aside: I simply didn't need them to boost my self-worth any more than I needed constant company.

The thought came back a couple of times afterwards, either as a result of witnessing friends have their own offspring, or as symbols for a wish to create an impact. The weight of social belonging, where we aim to be like our peers, even without their pressure, cannot be ignored. Gratefully, I have never been pushed to be in a partnership or to bear children, other than my grandma's periodic, repeated nearly to the word, "Do you have a boyfriend already? NO? What idiots are around you. But it's better this way. Have fun, but let their mothers wash their underwear." No, I was not a victim like so many others one hears about.

A couple of years ago, I had to have a hysterectomy. I had never had children, I was not planning on having any, and I had been having ever more severe health issues for many years. However, the thought of parting with my womb shook me. To some extent, I felt as though my womanhood was to be taken from me. I fought it for years, until it became unavoidable, until I acquiesced to facts, to logic, to expert wisdom. And I am grateful every day for the changes it brought to my daily life.

Recently, my nephews and nieces have started to procreate, some factually, some just conceptually. Unlike my younger sister's children, one of whom is not yet walking as I type this, they have brought up questions withing me again. Of course, I'm glad for their joy. Still, I wonder what world and personalities they aim to bring up. I know the values I cherish have been increasingly battered over the last few years, the people who created and uphold them as a way of life, experiencing concrete existential threat. I'm not certain I would trust the world to provide them a life-long chance to grow, thrive, leave behind an impact deserving of pride.

I don't regret my choices, not it the least. But I do wonder. If you have children, why did you chose to do so? If you didn't, why didn't you?

Location: Netherlands

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