You've made a joke!

Years ago, I was visiting with my sister. I was living far from her, since I was attending university at the time. We were chatting, and I have no recollection what I said but she sort of froze, looked at me and said, 'You've made a joke!' I looked at her pleasantly shocked face and replied, 'I often do.'

Sometimes, we don't fully understand other people, even those closest to us. It had taken over twenty years for my jokes to translate beyond myself, for my sister to "get it". I write this because I want to remind us all that lack of communication is never one-sided. When there is a loss of meaning, it is more than a result of bad hearing, a limited vocabulary or an uncertain context. Words are often considered an unreliable medium, due to their plasticity. Why then do we become so frustrated when the idea does not get across?

We forget the world is more outside our heads than within them. That our words, once they leave us, do no more reflect what we think, but what the listener thinks. Black and white are not universal, so how can images, theories, jokes? My sisters nonplussed face, her honest comment, was a wonderful gift to me. Unwittingly, she showed me the skill I need daily as a teacher - of English for speakers of other languages, even! More than that, she showed me that only the concerted effort to enter the world of the other's understanding makes productive communication possible.

Still  the problem here, where I am "speaking to myself" as it were, rings many bells. It is here that honesty and the ability to let go come into play. Honesty, because it is the only characteristic that will undoubtedly transcend absence. And the ability to let go of your message, to let it metamorphose into the message the other one needs to receive. If you do not comply with these two requirements, both you and your listener/reader/observer will lose the communication.Then, you must move beyond yourself and be the receiver of the message keeping both  aspects active for a successful exchange.

Communication is a gift, and a responsibility. When we talk without thinking; when we lash out; when we insult because we are only focused on our own feelings, we are cheating ourselves of both gift and responsibility. We create a spiraling misunderstanding which can harm more than help. Clarity come through thought-out communication, not emotional spewing of bile. So does productive group thinking and conflict resolution. Much nicer, eh?

Be generous with your jokes.

Of seals and horses

Last month I saw a seal. A real one, a wild one, not in a zoo, not doing tricks for fish and the enjoyment of tourists. I was crossing a bridge, and I looked down into the water of the docks. I like seeing the birds swimming around among all the buildings, despite the moored barges and the darkness of the quiet water that seeps in from the river. There are seagulls, ducks, a sort of black birds with greenish-yellowish legs and even swans. So when I first saw the black shape floating, I thought it was a dark bird preening (as there was no head). But nope, a second later I realised there were these shiny orbs looking straight at me, nostrils opening and closing and that what was bobbing slightly in the dark water was the slicked-back head of a seal!

I was shocked, excited, and worried all at once. Shocked because there I was, in a dock in urban London looking at a wild seal in the water. Excited, because there I was, looking at this beautiful surprise and it was looking back at me. And worried, because it was obviously tired (I was not afraid it might be hungry, as there are plenty of fish there - there are even fishermen around an adjacent area of the dock), lost, as well as probably quite stressed by the whole situation. Yet what amazed me most of all was that, although we spent a couple of minutes looking at each other, no one else noticed! If they perceived me gazing down, they at most sent an absentminded glance which did not allow them to really SEE the seal.

The miracle I was witnessing was missed by them, yet I cannot feel sorry for them. They did not see because they did not care enough to think about the world around them; particularly, I believe, because it appeared to be a "mere" bird. Animals are, way too often, mere background, even expendable commodities. Unless an animal is one's own pet, people tend to ignore the suffering of others, to use and abuse them. How can we dissociate so completely? Even more to the point, how can we dissociate while we are so aware of it?

The Tony Awards this year celebrated the British play "War Horse", a tale about a young man trying to find his horse, "requisitioned" by the army during World War I. This is a story about a very real possible scenario at the time in a country well known for its love of horses, a country which set up statues to the memory of the animals that fell "while in service". Commendable remembrance, I agree, although I cannot help thinking it is (like all war memorials) a case of 'too little, too late'. The people who took and take those animals - horses, mules, dogs, oxen...- into the battlefield do it considering only human comfort, human need for transportation, bomb sensing, load pulling. There was no consideration for the animals' bewilderment at being in a situation they neither understand nor can reap benefit from; taken from their packs, their herds, their families, the familiar territories, they were taken for granted because they were property.

I often feel that we, as a species, have great responsibility: awareness of how we affect the world (now even the near outer planetary space) must pervade our choices, our actions. There is a growing awareness of environmental issues: clean energies, recycling, organic food. I am worried, though, that these might be like pets at wartime, and they should go out the window when the going gets a bit tougher for our man-made reality. Unless people look and see behind the issues, they will remain welcome to receive our scraps but little else.

I saw the seal's eyes. I will refuse to see the seal as a statue to sacrifice.

Alone or together?

We are social creatures: we belong to a family, a clan, a tribe, a town, a city, a nation, a race, a species. It is this belonging that provides us with identity, through similarity and difference. We become protective for and affectionate to those like us, while detached from and aggressive towards those unlike us. It seems a given, but I wonder.

I was at a park the other day. I was early evening, sunny, with a gentle breeze blowing. The park is on the riverbank. Every so often, a tourist boat would go by, crowded, expectant. Whenever one such boat went by, a group of children (no more than 5 or 6 years old) would rush to the railings to call out, to wave, hoping for a response in kind. When the people on the ships returned the wave and the call, the kids were frantic in their joy, running along the path, waving and laughing. Sadly, this only happened in a couple of occasions. Mostly, the children's efforts were ignored, or not "indulged in". Why?

I remember doing something similar while at school. I had a school bus ride every day, and on route we used to go by an army barracks - cavalry, it actually housed some stables, if I remember correctly. At the gate would stand one young soldier or other, serious, guarding the place from some invisible enemy dreamt up by a paranoid officer. Needless to say, we invariably waved at them, cheerful, trying to make them smile (I confess to having started the whole thing, but it soon caught on!), and invariably we were disappointed. until one day a young man, probably no more than 18 years old, smiled and waved back!! It was magical! We had just started waving back even more enthusiastically when an officer came and started telling the guard off in front of us. It was horrible, we felt so guilty we never waived at the poor guys at the garret again.

Older and more aware of military rules, I now know the reasons for the telling off. Still, I cannot fully understand it. Why did the soldier, and us children, have to do without the social need for recognition? Indeed, if most children are unabashedly welcoming and outgoing, most adults have difficulty expressing random joy at seeing other human beings. Why must we suppress such primeval right? This segregation from the other is cheating us of the validation that comes from another's awareness of ourselves. Who but the other will remember us?

In this modern society, we become more alone in more crowded dwellings. We all move to the bigger cities where we pay for "comfort" with anonymity. So more people join online communities where they can hide their true selves. We become paranoid about our identity being stolen, our ideas copied, our benefits enjoyed by others "less worthy", our lofty public image ruined by a smile.

We have become hermits but live without holiness. Thus, without the justification for the habit, we fall pray to fear, to loneliness. Recognising the other is a Joy, a Gift, a Privilege.

Welcome to my world. I smile at you, I know your name, you are my other.