You've made a joke!

Years ago, I was visiting with my sister. I was living far from her, since I was attending university at the time. We were chatting, and I have no recollection what I said but she sort of froze, looked at me and said, 'You've made a joke!' I looked at her pleasantly shocked face and replied, 'I often do.'

Sometimes, we don't fully understand other people, even those closest to us. It had taken over twenty years for my jokes to translate beyond myself, for my sister to "get it". I write this because I want to remind us all that lack of communication is never one-sided. When there is a loss of meaning, it is more than a result of bad hearing, a limited vocabulary or an uncertain context. Words are often considered an unreliable medium, due to their plasticity. Why then do we become so frustrated when the idea does not get across?

We forget the world is more outside our heads than within them. That our words, once they leave us, do no more reflect what we think, but what the listener thinks. Black and white are not universal, so how can images, theories, jokes? My sisters nonplussed face, her honest comment, was a wonderful gift to me. Unwittingly, she showed me the skill I need daily as a teacher - of English for speakers of other languages, even! More than that, she showed me that only the concerted effort to enter the world of the other's understanding makes productive communication possible.

Still  the problem here, where I am "speaking to myself" as it were, rings many bells. It is here that honesty and the ability to let go come into play. Honesty, because it is the only characteristic that will undoubtedly transcend absence. And the ability to let go of your message, to let it metamorphose into the message the other one needs to receive. If you do not comply with these two requirements, both you and your listener/reader/observer will lose the communication.Then, you must move beyond yourself and be the receiver of the message keeping both  aspects active for a successful exchange.

Communication is a gift, and a responsibility. When we talk without thinking; when we lash out; when we insult because we are only focused on our own feelings, we are cheating ourselves of both gift and responsibility. We create a spiraling misunderstanding which can harm more than help. Clarity come through thought-out communication, not emotional spewing of bile. So does productive group thinking and conflict resolution. Much nicer, eh?

Be generous with your jokes.