I have been having a rough time lately, facing my own nonsense. Yes, you know, the kind that nags in your head 'you have to be good to be liked', and 'they don't really want you there', and 'that comment about someone being rude was about you. It doesn't matter if you don't think you have been rude, you have to think harder, because for SURE it was about you! Think, think, think. What have you done!?!?' That nonsense which, though it IS nonsense, can still be quite powerful.
Today in particular was just such a (nut)case, with me going round and round in my head all day that my landlord must want me to leave, and that is what the chat in the evening was to be about, and that comment about 'that's just rude' as he was leaving in the morning was about me (now you understand where I got the example). I honestly was seriously considering going online and starting to look for a new place while at work. Except, that is, that I was too busy doing other stuff and didn't get around to it. And that, thankfully, I am learning to stand up to my nonsense and stare it down - sometimes more successfully than others.
Well, after work, I went to the gym, for a swim. I love swimming! It's the magic of being suspended, back in the amniotic fluid as it were, and with the cadence of the strokes to lul you. Of course, I also like the fact that it tones me and people are noticing my new shape, but that's just a by the bye. Back to the story, I went for a swim. I had the whole pool to myself! I met the first person when I came out, and moved to the hot tub. Bubble bubble, toil and trouble! Out of the blue (or, rather, the male changing rooms) came my landlord, who I know was there because he called out to me. A few minutes later, still without my glasses, and seeing even less than usual thanks to the steam in the steam room, in he came! I decided to truly stare the nonsense down, and asked him what the chat was to be about.
No, it was not that I had to move, that I was being rude or anything of the like. Rather, it was a few comments about how to use the washing maching to save energy now energy prices are on the up, and to offer his support when I get anxiety (he's getting trained in dealing with such issues as part of his job). D'oh! Nonsense, I tell you, and yet I still did feel anxious! Relieved, but anxious. And steamed like a prawn. Time to shower and get home.
Enter Olivia.
As I was leaving the pool, I saw a young woman with a little girl in the water. I smiled at them, they smiled back. Then, after taking my shower, as I was nearly finished changing (only had to do my hair, it's way too cold to go out with a wet mop), the woman and girl came in, the little one shivering. As they started getting the girl dressed, they chatted in another language (I thought French, initially, but I was wrong). Then, just because, I happened to look in the mirror and my sight caught the little girl's, so we both smiled.
'I'm five!' she proudly announced, obviously making the effort to speak in English.
For no reason other than we were both there and happy, we started chatting. She loved my clothes, I loved her jeans and sweater. She had not seen me in the pool, but I had seen her, how come? She showed me the gaps in her mouth the baby teeth had left behind. We played 'booh!' around the make-up counter wall. We shared names and birthday dates. I had to leave. She didn't want me to. She hugged me, 'I love you! You're pretty like a princess.' I hugged her back, 'And you ARE a princess.'
It's now a few hours later, and I just had to share the blessing of a real heart vs the noise of nonsense. Who has blessed you? Thank them, and pay it forward.
Thank you, Olivia.
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