To love, to hold?

We learn that to love is to hold. Thinking about it simply, I would agree. After all, hugs are a favourite of mine: hugging, cuddling, snuggling... You can feel the tenderness, the warmth, the joy of them in their very shapes - all requiring a double consonant, like a hug needs two of us. The beauty of an embrace is as mystical as well known, for it can save a life (as it does premature children - see link below), heal our souls as well as our bodies (another link), and enables us to express the greatest depths of love when words fail us - a parent holding its child, friends reuniting, supporting the bereaved or celebrating victory, all are inextricably linked to the wealth of love of the hug (no, no web link - unless you choose to send one in a comment.)

But then, hold, now that can be a bit trickier. You can be held captive, or enthralled; hostage, or in amazement; in contempt or in the highest regard. So, which hold is love? Hold has, sadly, a connotation of strength, of retention. A tint of imposition that is wholly selfish. It is that desperation to link ourselves to others that makes us feel as though letting go were the same as being ripped asunder. And yes, it does hurt, that not being able to hug, to cuddle, to snuggle with our loved ones. It hurts us, making us believe that the centre of universal pain is in that tearing, which seems so absolute, so abysmal, so abhorrent.

Is it, though? One of the greatest gifts my mother ever gave me was the awareness that she loved us so much she would not hold onto us, but rather encourage our journeys, however far we may choose to go. Of course, it hurt. I know it hurt her to have us far away, and independence was not always happy (at least for me), I can tell you. Still, her decision to hug, cuddle, snuggle when we were there, and then not hold on when we had to grow - that has become a measure of love for me. Love abundant, with freedom, free from the guilt that can be born of debt or devotion.

As the days become shorter, I take stock of the sun cycle that dies, and I realise, I had forgotten. For a while, I was in a relationship where I felt held, and I felt the need to hold. When it ripped apart, I was left in no-man's land. It's taken me a whole year, and then some, to remember that I am a true lover, who loves, and hugs, and snuggles, and cuddles. A true lover, who will support, embrace and sometimes challenge. A true lover, who will not hold.

I choose to love with my eyes wide open, with my heart wide open, with my hands wide open.




(And, if you're still wondering...)
Kangaroo care - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-24924955
Hugging benefits - http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-5756/10-Reasons-Why-We-Need-at-Least-8-Hugs-a-Day.html